6 months

Life it's so funny sometimes, but for sure very rewarding if you want to see the full half.

I came in Paris on 13 of January ...yes I know, the luckiest number ever....so lucky that I got rubbed in the first hour. Than a weird start with a lot of challenges and happenings.

Still, the best thing that happened was to find a very special person...soon after my arrival. He became my friend, my entertainment, my laughs, my reason to sleep late, my way of not feeling alone . Than it became my passion, my challenge, my adrenalin , my drug, my peace, my life, my love.  

I have been on  a roller coaster ever since...climbing up and down to the highest highs and the lowest lows . I lived with intensity everything sometimes having the impression that my heart will explode of too many feelings, either positive or negative .

I have been questioning life, myself and the concept of relationship, not knowing even at this moment what is right and wrong ...still trying to figure it out. I have been living the best days of  my life feeling in love, feeling loved and enjoying life at it's full . I have been fighting and experience depression as I didn't wanted to even think that I could.

He is one of the smartest many that I have ever known , the most passionate by far, very intense in everything, a very kind and the most loving possible, expressive until the point where you can ask yourself if you ever knew what that meant before you meet him , moody sensitive and open, direct, critic, impulsive, ambitious and always persevering , fighting for love, fighting for his goal, fighting for the better, fighting for an ideal relationship and love. His jealous tendency is not always one of being possessive but rather of being protective toward those he  love, so it's important to understand how he works in order to prevent conflicts and hurting . A wonderful friend and person that it's always there to give you an advice, a shoulder to cry, will  listen and  help, will always provide solutions, think in plans, understand what you feel and go beyond the surface trying to figure out what is it that you really are, think and feel. Very loyal and kind, but you have to win his trust .
He made me feel safe and secure, never feeling afraid by his side, protecting me in every sense he knew.
Somehow it's very easy to misunderstand him and to rush to wrong conclusions. When fighting he is intransigent sticking to what he believes is right . So the best way is to prevent and avoid the situations where you can enter in a conflict. Cause they always have the final word.
He fears failures and will do everything necessary not to get there  or avoid it. So...he will fight...until the end...or give up before loosing..
Very strong and manly ....he made me feel like a woman in the best way possible.
Even so, if you give him the needed love and security, he will make you feel like a princess, like the most important person in the whole world. Will appreciate everything there is to appreciate and make you feel wanted and loved and venerated like a goddess .

I discovered that changes are possible even if very difficult and demanding .
I discovered there exists a person in the world that it's so complex and complete in the directions of my wishes and desires .
I discovered that continents cannot brake a feeling unless you don't take care .

But we screwed it up ...
We were not able to give up on some of our own ways, failing to understand each others expectations....or at least failing in the practice of this.
You never know what is the best...and sometimes life it's stupid by not aligning what we want with what we need. Cause we are blind in love, and we are sensitive in love, like a small kid in a dark wood ...not knowing where to and how to feel safe.We are impulsive in decision , fail to see the right path and taking the one that we see.

Life is cruel and we do not know all the time how to change it's course .

6 months of crazy love...that you can only see in movies ....I even envy myself to have lived this .


But ....it's 6 months that I am replaying over and over again....and it's the best movie that I could have every imagined ...my play ...with 2 main actors...but as always...somehow I will end alone on the stage....

Music in the metro

It's weird to see this :

I am always going with the metro, to work, from work, to go in the city, come home, etc. And each time there is somebody singing for money.

The process it's like this : they come in each wagon of the metro, sing for around 4-5 min and then they receive the money from those who want to give in a cup ...a lousy one usually .
The sound is really good cause they come with some kind of audio boxes which allows them to be quite clear and loud. They usually have a playing instrument, or just a microphone and they use their voice. I saw man and woman as well....but 8 out of 10....guess what ? romanian speakers and by their look....rroma people.
And yes...you can imagine that they earn some pretty good money. As we calculated they should do something more than 2500 euros/ month if they work 5 hours/ day , 20 days/ month . So how do you even imagine that they will ever leave from here since they earn so good?

Either way, the point is that they sing very very good. I guess I never payed so much attention on the fact that these people are so so talented in singing....ok manele manele ....but they have a real talent , in voice and in  instruments too. And they make such a good atmosphere ....you can even see the joy and passion on their face. It's incredible . The most interesting song that I heard was Gheorghe Gheorghiu - Unde dragoste nu e nimic nu e , or Un actor grabit- Laura Stoica .  This brings a big big smile on my face and also a sympathy for what they are doing, or what they are capable of doing.

Yes, I admit that there are a lot of other rroma persons that have a wrong approach in earning money...but still...we have all kinds ...as any of us.

So if you are coming to Paris....you have to know that you will find a lot of music....but don't be surprised if you hear them talking in Romanian .

Paris, always surprising

I love to plan my time

When I see my to do list I am happy :D.
It's that feeling that I have a purpose and I established how to spend my time correctly :D . I love it .

So yes , I have a big to do list , fuuuuull of II type of activities , which is wonderful but since they are not so urgent......it's less motivating :P. So....we need to push a little  :D .

I am reading a great book called "Trop intelligent pour etre heureux ? " and I love it (seems that I am full of love today :P ) . It's my first real book (long one too) in french and also I love the subject. They talk a lot about how we understand things, how the brain works and how it's connected to our affective plan.

Limits ? No....new horizonts

Thinking independent and individualist in a couple....that is bad bad bad ....
I didn't even realize what and how is that manifested in my behavior . And the problem is not the behavior but the cognitive and affective part that is the cause of it .

Normally I am a very independent, detached, rational and even selfish or at least self centered . I build myself like this and I got my benefits from this.... But now....I am getting the downside of it. I can see why it's not good anymore. I am hurting people around .

There are cases when you just have to let your shield down and receive somebody in all your life, mind and heart ...not only in parts of it ...and not only when you want to and it's convenient .....but all the way trough ...


 I am not used to think what WE should eat/do....not what I want to eat/do. . I am not used to plan in 2....but just to plan in one and go with the flow. I am not used to give...I usually receive, and |I am not thinking so much at the giving process . I am not used to put limits of any kind for the things that I want and do. I am used to be totally free.


I  do what I want when I want and I feel it. 


Well...this doesn't go when you want a happy couple life....yes it sucks ....but still...the benefits of a great relationship are far more important than this hedonistic behavior. 

So...compromises ? Yes....healthy and constructive compromises . This is the key. Understand that you are not just one anymore....you are a couple...you cannot make the same things as before. Sometimes you have to give up or give more .  Yes... Independence is the foundation of interdependence. But it precedes it !!!! Finding that interdependence is the new wanted level . Hard ? Yes, for sure....and what is even harder is that, it is impossible to love without giving away some power. When we choose to love we are giving power to make us happy - we cannot do that without also giving the power to hurt us or cause us to feel angry or scared.




So I have to accept the following :

• I will get hurt ! I will be scared and I will get angry, upset , sad and even depressed ....
• I will fight for my believes and my wishes ....but don't forget what is the most  important to you and when you are just to stubborn or vain 
• I have to set some limits on my behavior in order not to hurt others 
• I have to think in US from now on....not ME...and US = 1entity

o perioada linistita

Mda, eu am momentele mele in care scriu :P ....de obicei cand am prea mult timp liber si incep sa imi fac analize si autoanalize.

E fain aici, me likey Paris si tot ceea ce traiesc , cu acele urcusuri si coborasuri de care pomeneam in postul anterior, insa per total e de bine, spre foarte bine.

Am impresia ca am trecut bariera, spre internationalism si acum nu imi e frica sa visez la a  calatori si a trai in mai multe parti ale lumii. Vreau asta si voi lupta pentru asta.
E minunat sa cunosti alte culturi si alti oameni si chiar si mai minunat e sa incepi sa iubesti un om cu o cultura total diferita de a ta.

In momentele acestea, munca mea este pe stand-by si ma cam plictisesc, asa ca incerc sa fac ceva util pentru mine. Dintre dorintele pe care le am acum, una din ele e cea de a scrie. Nu vreau sa pierd amintirile si sentimentele pe care le am....asa ca e mult mai usor sa stiu ca le am scrise intr-un loc in care le voi putea revedea.

Tot zilele astea lucrez din nou la valorile, viziunea si misiunea mea. Imi doresc sa imi pot prioritiza obiectivele in functie de importanta si nu de urgenta si sa traiesc viata asa cum imi doresc si totusi pe linia dezvoltarii.
Vreau echilibru si nu mai vreau pierdere de vreme sau extreme. Imi doresc o viata sanatoasa, complexa si completa.

Azi a fost interesant sa revad video-ul pe care l-am facut pentru NaLDS 2008....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUiAGKKPLuM
Este plin de viata si vesel ca si mine. Cred ca inca ma reprezinta cu cateva modificari, insa da...asta sunt in putine cuvinte....poate ceva mai matura si cu mai multa experienta. Insa in continuare zambareata si optimista.

Despre sus si jos...mai mult jos :P

Din 15.04.2011 , nepostata

No bine...deci na....ma cam plictisesc si ma simt putin demotivata.

E ciudat....pentru ca acum au intrat in rand cam toate lucrurile din  viata mea....insa eu ma simt plictisita si chiar sictirita de ceva zile.

Ce dumnezeu e cu noi? Daca ploua nu avem chef sa lucram ca ploua si ne e somn, daca e soare nu avem chef sa lucram ca e soare....si e cam molesitor si nu iti arde sa stai la birou.
La fel, daca e nebunie in viata ta si ai multe de facut....vai ....esti stresat....ce naspa....daca ti se linistesc apele....dar vai....sunt plictisit. .....si din pacate la fel chiar si cu relatiile.....daca e cu ups & downs ....vai....dar nu ai sigurata, ce se intampla? ma las nu ma las? ma joc nu ma joc? care pe care....vrea nu vrea?!?! vreau nu vreau?! etc....si nu e bine ca e cosumatiune de timusor pretios si de nervisori intinsi ....dar inima bate   ...  Si cand relatia intra in matca,incepi sa te plictisesti

Nu am chef azi..nu am chef azi...

...n-am chef de nimic....

Ei bine, zilele , saptamanile, lunile trec...
Si treci prin mai multe etape .
Mie mi s-a intamplat cam asa ceva : 

• prima faza a fost una de euforie a evadarii - in care m-am simtit libera, intr-o vacanta binemeritata dupa atata timp . Asta a insemnat sa fac tot ceea ce nu imi permiteam sa fac inainte: sa dorm pana la ce ora am chef, sa ma uit la filme, sa citesc carti, sa ies in cluburi si la cafele, sa ma culc seara la ore extrem de tarzii, sa spun da celor mai multe propuneri de a iesi din casa
• faza doi  e cea in care, incepi sa te plictisesti de copilarit, iesit si vacanta, iti dai seama ca banii se cam duc si incepi sa iti pui problema sa iti cauti totusi un job nou, ca doar nu o sa pice din cer, trebuie sa si actionezi ca atare 
• in faza a 3-a deja esti serios preocupata de gasirea unui noi job, insa incep sa apara problemele si intrebarile de tot felul : si unde ar trebui sa imi caut :aici , in bucuresti, in strainatate? si in ce domeniu? parca acum ar fi momentul sa schimb ceva daca e de schimbat? Wow.....ce putine joburi libere si ce multi candidati....auci....am aplicat deja la aprox 80 de job-uri si mi-a fost vizualizat CV-ul de 10 ori :( . Ce e asta? Se pare ca nu e asa de usor :((
• in faza 4 deja incepi sa intri in panica ...nici un rezultat, demotivare maxima, nici nu iti mai vine sa te ridici din pat....cand deja trebuie sa scrii o noua scrisoare de intentie parca te apuca durerea de cap ...si au si vai ....si au si vai deja au trecut cateva luni, deja e alarmant...ce se intampla cu mine? parca eram si eu buna la ceva? nu mai stiu ce vreau si incotro sa ma indrept . Si incerci sa iti cauti o farama de motivare...care saraca e si ea destul de fluctuanta ...ba e ...ba nu e , dar ramai totusi cu speranta si optimismul caracteristici dar si cu presiunea timpului, a banilor si a lipsei de activitate in spate
• urmatoarele faze.....ramane de vazut :P.... nu stiu adik :D

Ma intorc la scris de CV-uri si scrisori de intentie  :D