Sunday, September 26, 2010

Nu am chef azi..nu am chef azi...

...n-am chef de nimic....

Ei bine, zilele , saptamanile, lunile trec...
Si treci prin mai multe etape .
Mie mi s-a intamplat cam asa ceva : 
  • prima faza a fost una de euforie a evadarii - in care m-am simtit libera, intr-o vacanta binemeritata dupa atata timp . Asta a insemnat sa fac tot ceea ce nu imi permiteam sa fac inainte: sa dorm pana la ce ora am chef, sa ma uit la filme, sa citesc carti, sa ies in cluburi si la cafele, sa ma culc seara la ore extrem de tarzii, sa spun da celor mai multe propuneri de a iesi din casa
  • faza doi  e cea in care, incepi sa te plictisesti de copilarit, iesit si vacanta, iti dai seama ca banii se cam duc si incepi sa iti pui problema sa iti cauti totusi un job nou, ca doar nu o sa pice din cer, trebuie sa si actionezi ca atare 
  • in faza a 3-a deja esti serios preocupata de gasirea unui noi job, insa incep sa apara problemele si intrebarile de tot felul : si unde ar trebui sa imi caut :aici , in bucuresti, in strainatate? si in ce domeniu? parca acum ar fi momentul sa schimb ceva daca e de schimbat? Wow.....ce putine joburi libere si ce multi candidati....auci....am aplicat deja la aprox 80 de job-uri si mi-a fost vizualizat CV-ul de 10 ori :( . Ce e asta? Se pare ca nu e asa de usor :((
  • in faza 4 deja incepi sa intri in panica ...nici un rezultat, demotivare maxima, nici nu iti mai vine sa te ridici din pat....cand deja trebuie sa scrii o noua scrisoare de intentie parca te apuca durerea de cap ...si au si vai ....si au si vai deja au trecut cateva luni, deja e alarmant...ce se intampla cu mine? parca eram si eu buna la ceva? nu mai stiu ce vreau si incotro sa ma indrept . Si incerci sa iti cauti o farama de motivare...care saraca e si ea destul de fluctuanta ...ba e ...ba nu e , dar ramai totusi cu speranta si optimismul caracteristici dar si cu presiunea timpului, a banilor si a lipsei de activitate in spate
  • urmatoarele faze.....ramane de vazut :P.... nu stiu adik :D

Ma intorc la scris de CV-uri si scrisori de intentie  :D

Friday, July 16, 2010

What is a friend ?

Good question....

A character in your play ... that comes in ...plays he's role, an important one ...and vanishes behind the curtains at some point...

I wish there were more then one main character in my play... Why can't I just direct my own play? It's mine...I am the main character...I want to say who is staying and who is leaving !!! Well...I'm not ...I am just an actor performing the role of his life and I have to play by the rules.

Still...there are so few persons in our life that are present even though they are not on the stage. You just know they are there...and that somehow helps you not to feel alone ...

For me a friend is somebody that understands me behind my actions and my words...it's a person that feels me without even saying a word ...somebody who is aware of my own limitation and accepts them ...somebody who can see my flaws and the ugliness and accepts that ... he is just there ...feeling and understanding ...listening without judging, questioning or trying to change me...and knowing that I am there in the same way for him.

Sometimes I am afraid to commit to anything but mostly I am afraid to keep my relationship with others.... I know...it's strange...but this is me. I am afraid to just let go because of the fear of that imminent end...I am afraid to discover at some point that it's just another character in my own play and I was a character for he's.

I am afraid of disappointments ...because it always comes to this. Somebody gets disappointed at some level or they just get a more important role in other play ...and it all breaks down in a flash...

And yet....we are never ever alone on the stage. There are always other characters ... playing different roles in importance and influence over your own . You play your own role adapted to the new scenes and characters ... and even if your script changes ...you are still yourself...the actor ...only playing the new script adapted to the requirements of your public (the world we are living in)...



reading other people's stories

This is awkward in so many ways ...writing...in English (which I feel I lost on the road because of lack in practice) .

I reached the conclusion that even though I feel the need to write what I am feeling I am afraid to share it. People judge so easily ...just by reading your post on a blog or your status on facebook. And they have the impression that they somehow know what are you about and what you are going through ...

Feeling of being judged with the wrong proofs...feeling of being afraid to just let go be depressed if I want to be depressed and happy if happiness is what I am feeling.

People are afraid to be single and so they do all sorts of stuff to run away from that... but what happens at the end of the day when you put your head on the pillow is the moment of truth .

Sometimes you feel like an open book that nobody seems to understand. What? Why? Read it again.... I'm sure you will figure it out. You can't ...ohhh...but why? Damn....for me it's all so clear ....why can't you see through my glasses ? ...shit...I forgot ... we are wearing different glasses...

And we are reading other stories and we think that we understand...but do we?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Perioada unor noi inceputuri...


Se pare ca aces blog e intradevar ..."just a little bit" ....pt ca scriu al naibii de rar .

S-au intamplat multe....atat de multe ca mi-e greu sa le realizez, cu atat mai greu sa le si scriu.

Cea mai mare schimbare si cea mai dureroasa este ca m-am despartit de S. Si sperăm din suflet ca a fost cea mai buna alegere. Si da, mi=e dor, mi-e frica de mor si ma simt singura. Dar poate e totusi important in viata sa stii sa te descurci si singur. Sa inveti sa te redescoperi. Cine esti tu defapt....tu fara a fi agatat de o a doua persoana?!

Asadar...emotional sunt intr-un proces de redescoperire...pavat cu frica si nesiguranta.

Profesional...pot spune ca o duc mai bine. Am fost promovata pe un post care imi ofera mult mai multa libertate si imi foloseste mai multe abilitati. Simt ca aici imi voi putea aduce contributia mult mai vizibil. Insa din nou....un drum pavat cu aceeasi frica si nesiguranta.

Pentru mine este perioada unor noi inceputuri...acele "first days of the rest of my life" si am incredere ca in cele din urma va fi bine...