it makes sense

I feel like dancing... my neurons are moving in the same rhythm...like the sound of an old french song... full of mystery... a sort of melancoly... a lot of meaning... signification...

...calm ...
...peaceful...
...poetic...

La lala lala ..La...la lala lala la ....
It is a piano ...high notes...sweet...my head goes right ...and left... making some sort of infinite signs ... spirals...  oh...and you hear a violin... all the shivers on your spine go wild ...

...the accordion makes me smile...

...I do hear my heart beating loud and fast...but I no longer feel afraid ... I feel ... more

...yes I feel... and it makes sense ...
...the music...the city....the streets...the past...the present...the future...the love...the man...

when all gets perfect

What if ...one day, you find everything that you were looking for ?!
What if... one day, you love and you are loved the way you wanted ?!
What if... in those days...everything seems to find it's place ...and you are happy ...you feel free, you feel full, you feel love, you feel silence, you feel peace ...

...but something is wrong ...

what is it wrong?

I don't know!!!

It's too silence...too clear...too peaceful...too perfect ...my brain is just taking a break...there is nothing that he needs to try to guess, to put the pieces together, to find solutions, to think of strategies, to try to understand...Everything is clear like a full moon on a serene night . And it is beautiful ...

In a world where everything changes, moves, challenges, have we become incapable of enjoying a peaceful happy moment?!

How do we seize the moment ? to smell and taste the present ?

I have the feeling that we are going too fast and too slow…fast because we are burning phases…we are already far away in a very little time frame. But also…too slow in terms of speed, adrenaline, passion… everything feels safe and I cannot even guess a possible danger in the future …it is like driving in a very safe car (4x4) with your safe-belt on, always in the speed limits and respecting all the rules, but still arriving faster because you take short-cuts.


But you also feel the potential of the car…you know that it can do a lot, it can give you all the adrenaline that you need if that is what you are requesting.

Who is the driver? And who is the one deciding on the speed, the road, the adrenaline, the safeness? Do we really need to be out of rules in order to feel it ?

I was used to dramas, problems, telenovelas and all sorts of dysfunctional relationships. I was always ready to find a new strategy, to think all the time over what is it really happening (cause it was never clear), to have a lot of ups and downs…like in a rollercoaster …and now… it is just beautiful. I just need to enjoy it. And I have a hard time doing so.

I feel like I didn’t earn it, like there was no battle from which I can say that I became victorious in order to really enjoy what I have… like a present…a gift…do I deserve it?!

I feel like these thoughts are bringing the sorrow and the drama that I do not have… but do we need that?… what I am doing is actually to hurt myself and hurt him…nothing more nothing less. Why? I don’t want that … I want to be happy …I guess

All of these make me think over the movie Sex and the City 2…when Carrie is married to Big and after all the years of drama, problems and crisis…she doesn’t know how to enjoy the new life. The life of a happy, peaceful and responsible women in a couple…when her husband (the one she always wanted) loves her and only her, she has the apartment she always dreamed of, the relationship she envisioned …and still…she finds herself out of place, unable to appreciate the calmness of it all.

(unfinished post)
Later edit: I do not feel so afraid anymore

a peculiar crystal champagne cup

born peculiar...between normal and ordinary cups , it is made out of the most refined glass, though full of imperfections. 

it raises ...and grows in its own world ... feeling different ... feeling awake ...feeling out of it's place

sensitive, elegant, beautiful 

can anybody see it's beauty?

from house to house, from person to person, filled with all types of content ...it learns and takes something from each....but it never finds its place

feels like it is rejected for its peculiarity.  Most of the people will take it just as a cup ...trying to figure out in which set of glasses would it fit better

loved for all that it is ...for all it represents ...can it ?

it needs a special place and a special treatment ...and a lot of patience 

but can anyone do that ?

so delicate and easy to break....and yet, so strong and confident in its looks 

kind and warm on the inside but cold and insensitive on the outside ...the fear ...the fear ...oh...the fear

control...and autonomy
it cannot let go...it is like there is always a fine wall  built

feeling empty and lonely most of times ... isolated in its private world...an immense world of fantasies, stories, images, feelings, faces that it built ...a world were it feels ...the king ...becoming self sufficient for its happiness 

rebel ? yes . whenever it feels constrained, controlled or caged 

afraid to be alone or unloved....it will accept mediocre champagnes ...several...in the same time...mixing...trying different tastes and colors, but wondering if there is any champagne as peculiar as it is ...if love truly exists ...as it doubts that 

and when it's filled with fine champagne ...it sparkles, it shines, it becomes alive

in a continuous search for novelty, for different, for experiences that can bring something, for champagnes that can enchant it with their tastes ... wondering what is happiness and who can it share it with 

but it is afraid of anything that it's more powerful that it think it can take . as it is made out of fine glass, its sensibility is something that needs to be taken care of. something it needs to be protected. no big loves, no fights, no acid content ...even too much passion can be destructive

take your silk gloves whenever you touch it ...treat it like it deserves  

oh my ....but ...its form, its color, its taste ...its peculiarity...the sparkling content ....oh my...all of it drawn me ...me and all my senses 

when I touch it....when I feel it on your mouth .... when I run my hands all over its forms ...close my eyes and let myself filled with the magic that it brings....I feel... peculiar ...

but no one can posses it ...it is an island ...entirely on its own

‎"I know that I have lived because I have felt, and, feeling giving me the knowledge of my existence, I know likewise that I shall exist no more when I shall have ceased to feel." Giacomo Casanova

  

my pulse

In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, when everything is going crazy, everybody is talking near me and with me...I can only focus on ...my pulse.

Still beating like nuts, still remembering the previous hours, still being there...

It loses control and goes like crazy....

Come on...focus...calm... breath, breath ....breeeeath. 

It did not got out of that land. It stayed there like it never even finished.

My eyes, my hands, my legs...they don't want to follow my orders...it's my pulse that has them. 

Please! calm...focus...

But even my thoughts...they are long gone and don't seam to want to come back. I am shaking my head hoping it will help. Going out, smoking a cigarette, this should calm me. Focus!

Pressing my body towards yours just to feel it, feeling your heart beat into my hand...happiness. That is a memory! Damn! I need to focus !

But this is what it's all for...happiness...The smiles, the feelings, the senses, the smells, the touches, the taste ...the taste of happiness...pure happiness.

My pulse...it knows...it knows that it cannot leave the land of infinite happiness no matter how far away it goes.

I can try to control my thoughts, but my heart beats... they lost their clock...celebrating happiness with every moment they feel and remember the explosions of my senses

Talking in the dark….

”Stay with me.

Please!  

Look at me! Look into my eyes!

It’s me!

Don’t run away.

I am here! Look at me!”

And he turns with his face towards her, in the dark, she can barely see, but he does. And he is looking with warmth but impossibility to answer.

“Talk to me, please. Don’t go away”, but he smiles a little and turns his back without saying a word.

“Are you still there? I feel you! Every moment that  I close my eyes I see you. Stay with me”

 She tries to keep the connection alive beyond any physical encountering. Something is telling her that their connection is transcending any earthly happening and no matter what, they will still meet….in dreams, in their talks in the dark of the night, in their moments of connecting their souls.

“I know you can hear me. I miss you. I want you next to me. I want to see you, I want to hear you, I want to touch you. I feel how you are touching me with your mind. I know you are here. You never left. But I am scared, ordinal and banal reasons that exist on earth seam to stand in our way. I refuse to believe that our connection can be affected by this.  Look at me!!! I am begging you! Look at me! It’s me! I am here. Just me! Talk to me”

And he is there. She doesn’t see it so clearly because it's dark and he is hiding. But he is there. He never left . He can’t. He knows that their connection is beyond that. It is alive; such a connection doesn't disappear just by stopping talking to each other. He knows it. She knows it.

a kingdom for a touch

lust, craving, missing,eagerness, yearning, ungering, thirsting, starving, desiring, wanting, wishing ....

all these words can never express what I am feeling inside my body  

the pulse is growing with every image in my memory 

there, yes, there ... it makes rounds and rounds, producing a circle of yearning

the only thing  I can do it's open my month....somehow this helps me grasp more of it's flavor, remember more

I feel like biting ...my lips, my hair, my hands ... 

pain and pleasure 

but I am just touching my lips... in the hope of helping them to calm down

I run my hand through my hair and then I let it free ...even my hair knows my lust 

but he, my king, knows what I need 

and I, his queen, know what he needs 

a kingdom for a touch  

Infinity land

"Meet me in our infinite land" he said to her...

"Waiting for you there" she replied to him ...

His lips locked in with hers, their bodies went swirling into an endless dance...they both have half of the key to this world, and here he is sliding his key into hers...opening her inner heaven, so warm, sweet and welcoming...

She wraps her hips around him, feeling with every inch the magic of re-encountering...the two halves yearning for each other...

As if they were cast from a same mold, sculpted from the same clay...lost and now found...soon he gets lost into her, forgets himself and the world exploring her...and she is just feeling all he's giving her... softly, hardly, madly, deeply

That continuos feeling of missing...is gone....this was the piece of heaven they were searching for... without even knowing...and all the world is now reduced to 2 bodies transformed in one...melting in each other...transcending the mere existence to a world where physical is spiritual and where connections are complete....a world of infinity...

infinite experiences, secret passion in a secret heaven

Senses, sensations, touches, expressions, words unspoken(with no need to be verbalized), thoughts, images,  paintings  in all the colors of the world, photos of memories( lived or just imagined), heartbeats, smells, tastes...all infinite... exclusive for him and her ...

Nurturing them, exploring them, stretching them...

...to the limit of no limits...

my infinity 

Breath

Breath! don't forget to breath, it's keeping you alive

But I do forget, cause what I feel is not part of this world.

My body seams to surrender to the million sensations that are overwhelming it with each and every touch.
It's like I am not even there, in the room. I am somewhere else and I can even see myself from above, curved by the pleasures, transformed in expressions and again... feeling...everything

And this time I let go of my thoughts, I completely let go ...and feel every heartbeat that appears in all the cells  of my body. It's like I have an infinite number of hearts cause I can feel all of them ... beating...harder and harder....stronger and stronger ...louder and louder.

I am shaking.... uncontrollable, unstop-able, unbelievable ...shaking ...trembling. Continuously

Just one small touch makes me feel a million spiders of pleasure running from that point through all my body, eating the reality and leaving me only with sensations and feelings that seam to come from a different world.

I still feel the smell of it when I close my eyes, and if I move my tongue in my mouth I can feel the taste everywhere. So physical and yet so surreal.

I was living an infinity moment. When even the notion of time is gone, when everything that I knew was what I was feeling around me....on me....in me ...deep inside.

And I feel like screaming, releasing the pleasure that is already painful ... cause I forgot to breath 

Breath

feeling it

Normal, what is normal? normality? concepts that became increasingly vague.

Normality has to do with reason and with what we think or we are told ...but then there is something else.

You feel ... stronger and louder . There, somewhere in the chest, the heart beats faster and faster and more and more understandable, I can almost hear it. And if sometimes, we manage to explain these feelings in words, reason and thoughts, calling them "normal", in other moments, they just seem to be totally illogical and inexplicable .

... and then again ... I feel ...

It's hard to express in words what I feel, because I do not understand very well what happens. IT has vague mystical connotations. It's so beautiful and intense that I want them out of me.

I hear my heartbeat in my temples and I know that there is nothing which causes them, externally. It's just me. I hear them, I feel them and I caused them. My heartbeats. Strong heartbeats, like when you are doing something stealthily that you shouldn't do and there is a chance somebody might caught you .

And I smile,a little graceless, because what I feel that is making me dizzy. I am trying to let myself go, though I'm afraid.
I feel afraid of me and what I can be.

I feel my body, I touch it with my eyes and I feel naked. And for the first time in my life ... I feel comfortable to be and feel naked. I look at it with admiration, I enjoy myself. I feel it in every cell ... in every way... I see though my cloths, my naked body somehow aroused and excited ... it's myself and I am beautiful and full of life.

Fear of being naked, fear of vulnerability, fear of sight and judgment, fear of not being the one who everyone imagined, or not being able to provide enough...But then I realize ... fear it's just another way to feel. It's another feeling that we can enjoy and that makes your heart beat fast and strong.

I want to explore, to observe, to see, to hear, smell as much as I can. I want to push myself beyond my limits . In fact, I don't even know what my limits are.

I want to explore parts of the world that I have not seen, to understand things I did not understand and feel what I never felt. I want to discover, to discover myself and I want to stretch...

and I feel...but now, more than ever ... I am open .

I turn back. Stealthily, I look back at myself, my body, my face, my heartbeats. I like it. I discover new parts that I had never seen. Discover angles from where I didn't look . I like it. I just wish that others can see what I see now. In me. In them.

Peacefulness

So many feelings and thoughts are running through my mind these days...and I feel the need to express them somehow. But I feel that I can't...
I am filled with joy, peacefulness and healthy thoughts that are going round and round in circles . They make my life wonderful, I am taking every bite of present and have a huge hope for the future.

I realized today that I managed to balance my life and take care of the 4 important dimensions of it : physical, spiritual, mental and social.

I miss feeling in love and passion, but I know that I will meet them again when the time is right.

I am just surprised every day, how beautiful this life is and how proud I am to live and feel...taste...see...touch.  I am growing

Mixed messages

It's weird how we learn and change perspectives almost everyday.
I used to believe that men are not emotional and that in the end some of them are just obsessed with sex, or that they cannot suffer, or that for them it's much easier to put barriers and be cold.

I guess that no matter how much we want to believe that...because...well..."they are man" ....it's far from reality.
They too can suffer and be unprotected, have hopes that you do not even imagine they can have and they also get hurt as easy as we do. Probably the difference might be that they don't whine so much about it.

And I was surprised to find out from 2 of the biggest "players"  I know that they do not like to play games. How is that possible ? Simple, when they don't want anything serious, they are very clear about it and they take care not to transmit a different message then "I want to have sex/fun with you" . In these cases they will never use emotional arguments or feelings .....even if we, as woman, have the impression that they do...they don't. Not sure? Pay more attention next time when you encounter a man like this. They are very clear about what they want !
And when they want something more (smth serious)....they are very clear about that direction as well.

If I think about our methods (as girls) ... I become uncomfortable . We are so bad at this !!! Cause we never know for sure what we want, we never know how to separate the 2 situations or how to transmit a clear message in just one of those directions. No, we are mixing everything. No wonder that the guys are totally confused . Plus, it's somehow unexpected from a girl to want or to have superficial connections with guys, so unless clearly specified ...by default , we are interpreted as serious .

And this is how...we get to hurt these guys...cause we do not know how to transmit clear messages, we do not accept that they are human just like us and that we really need to take care about what we say and do as much as anybody else.