Breath

Breath! don't forget to breath, it's keeping you alive

But I do forget, cause what I feel is not part of this world.

My body seams to surrender to the million sensations that are overwhelming it with each and every touch.
It's like I am not even there, in the room. I am somewhere else and I can even see myself from above, curved by the pleasures, transformed in expressions and again... feeling...everything

And this time I let go of my thoughts, I completely let go ...and feel every heartbeat that appears in all the cells  of my body. It's like I have an infinite number of hearts cause I can feel all of them ... beating...harder and harder....stronger and stronger ...louder and louder.

I am shaking.... uncontrollable, unstop-able, unbelievable ...shaking ...trembling. Continuously

Just one small touch makes me feel a million spiders of pleasure running from that point through all my body, eating the reality and leaving me only with sensations and feelings that seam to come from a different world.

I still feel the smell of it when I close my eyes, and if I move my tongue in my mouth I can feel the taste everywhere. So physical and yet so surreal.

I was living an infinity moment. When even the notion of time is gone, when everything that I knew was what I was feeling around me....on me....in me ...deep inside.

And I feel like screaming, releasing the pleasure that is already painful ... cause I forgot to breath 

Breath

feeling it

Normal, what is normal? normality? concepts that became increasingly vague.

Normality has to do with reason and with what we think or we are told ...but then there is something else.

You feel ... stronger and louder . There, somewhere in the chest, the heart beats faster and faster and more and more understandable, I can almost hear it. And if sometimes, we manage to explain these feelings in words, reason and thoughts, calling them "normal", in other moments, they just seem to be totally illogical and inexplicable .

... and then again ... I feel ...

It's hard to express in words what I feel, because I do not understand very well what happens. IT has vague mystical connotations. It's so beautiful and intense that I want them out of me.

I hear my heartbeat in my temples and I know that there is nothing which causes them, externally. It's just me. I hear them, I feel them and I caused them. My heartbeats. Strong heartbeats, like when you are doing something stealthily that you shouldn't do and there is a chance somebody might caught you .

And I smile,a little graceless, because what I feel that is making me dizzy. I am trying to let myself go, though I'm afraid.
I feel afraid of me and what I can be.

I feel my body, I touch it with my eyes and I feel naked. And for the first time in my life ... I feel comfortable to be and feel naked. I look at it with admiration, I enjoy myself. I feel it in every cell ... in every way... I see though my cloths, my naked body somehow aroused and excited ... it's myself and I am beautiful and full of life.

Fear of being naked, fear of vulnerability, fear of sight and judgment, fear of not being the one who everyone imagined, or not being able to provide enough...But then I realize ... fear it's just another way to feel. It's another feeling that we can enjoy and that makes your heart beat fast and strong.

I want to explore, to observe, to see, to hear, smell as much as I can. I want to push myself beyond my limits . In fact, I don't even know what my limits are.

I want to explore parts of the world that I have not seen, to understand things I did not understand and feel what I never felt. I want to discover, to discover myself and I want to stretch...

and I feel...but now, more than ever ... I am open .

I turn back. Stealthily, I look back at myself, my body, my face, my heartbeats. I like it. I discover new parts that I had never seen. Discover angles from where I didn't look . I like it. I just wish that others can see what I see now. In me. In them.

Peacefulness

So many feelings and thoughts are running through my mind these days...and I feel the need to express them somehow. But I feel that I can't...
I am filled with joy, peacefulness and healthy thoughts that are going round and round in circles . They make my life wonderful, I am taking every bite of present and have a huge hope for the future.

I realized today that I managed to balance my life and take care of the 4 important dimensions of it : physical, spiritual, mental and social.

I miss feeling in love and passion, but I know that I will meet them again when the time is right.

I am just surprised every day, how beautiful this life is and how proud I am to live and feel...taste...see...touch.  I am growing

Mixed messages

It's weird how we learn and change perspectives almost everyday.
I used to believe that men are not emotional and that in the end some of them are just obsessed with sex, or that they cannot suffer, or that for them it's much easier to put barriers and be cold.

I guess that no matter how much we want to believe that...because...well..."they are man" ....it's far from reality.
They too can suffer and be unprotected, have hopes that you do not even imagine they can have and they also get hurt as easy as we do. Probably the difference might be that they don't whine so much about it.

And I was surprised to find out from 2 of the biggest "players"  I know that they do not like to play games. How is that possible ? Simple, when they don't want anything serious, they are very clear about it and they take care not to transmit a different message then "I want to have sex/fun with you" . In these cases they will never use emotional arguments or feelings .....even if we, as woman, have the impression that they do...they don't. Not sure? Pay more attention next time when you encounter a man like this. They are very clear about what they want !
And when they want something more (smth serious)....they are very clear about that direction as well.

If I think about our methods (as girls) ... I become uncomfortable . We are so bad at this !!! Cause we never know for sure what we want, we never know how to separate the 2 situations or how to transmit a clear message in just one of those directions. No, we are mixing everything. No wonder that the guys are totally confused . Plus, it's somehow unexpected from a girl to want or to have superficial connections with guys, so unless clearly specified ...by default , we are interpreted as serious .

And this is how...we get to hurt these guys...cause we do not know how to transmit clear messages, we do not accept that they are human just like us and that we really need to take care about what we say and do as much as anybody else.

What if your life was a movie ?

These days I am thinking about the dilemma of balanced life, good life, with mature and thought decisions  versus crazy, euphoric, living the moment, roller coaster kind of life.

We are trying to pursue a life of balance and maturity, a life of conformity and compromises that we see as "normal". This is the model of happiness we received trough our childhood and movies: we have around 20 smth years old,  get a job that we more or less like, settle down with our boyfriend of a few  years (or look for one in case that doesn't exist) and think about marriage, kids and growing old. Wow wow....rewind ...what ? why is this the "happy" image ? Why does it look so boring and sad when I look at it ? Why do we feel that something is missing in this picture ?

And then we remember those moments, persons or periods or events that made us "alive and awake and feeling great ". And it's funny cause usually these moments are crazy moments, when we don't think about the future and we pursue only our feelings and the wish to live as much as we can. Thoughts running like crazy, feeling so much that you need to yell out loud, to draw, to write, to express yourself in any way possible....to dance ...but also....to cry, to break everything, you feel like if you will go completely crazy , sleepless nights, tears, questioning yourself, questioning life, questioning the future and the meaning of each word, feeling, thought or smell. It's so good ...for a while ...and then it becomes tiring ...exhausting and we run back to the safeness of the "balanced, mature life" and we say..."this is the way I want it to be....this is the best for me, for my future and for all my life. I need to be mature and live a balanced life"...but then....you miss the madness....


Roller coasters are so much fun and the adrenaline makes you feel that you can touch different limits of life. And you are afraid and your heart is beating so fast...but when you finish your 30' round....you wish you could have had more. But imagine this: your wish came true and you will have to enjoy the roller coaster for 8 h  without a break. How will you feel then ? First hour is good ...but afterwards ? It might hurt you ...badly ...and mark you for life....and it's not fun after some time.


But going back....we have 1 life, 1 choice in every moment, time is running fast and never coming back, people and opportunities enter our life and leave if we don't take them by the hand. 
Imagine that your life is a movie, you are the main character and all the other characters come on the stage, play their role and at some point, they leave. Who do you want to remain in the movie with you ? What emotions or reactions does your movie produce to the viewers? And to yourself ? Are you able to take an Oscar with that movie ? Or will it go directly on tape cause it was "just another movie"  ? 

Unleash yourself and live the life  YOU want ! live the life that YOU deserve ! the kind of life that you would love to tell stories about when you grow old ! The kind of life where you never wonder "What if ?"  
Cry !!!! suffer !!!!! These are too part of life !!!! Feel embarrassed !!!! Feel insecure !!!! This is life !!!! 
Feel love!!!! Feel FREE !!! Feel the music, the art, the poetry, put colors all around, feel the amazing smell of being ALIVE !!!!


Don't settle for a comfortable life ....you just have ONE ! Make sure it worth the whole ride ! Of course it's hard...but an Oscar never comes easy !

Life is so much boring when you are not "in love"

LP(of these days/weeks): Life is so much boring when you are not "in love"

These days I am sooo bored !!!! Nothing seams to entertain me for more than a few minutes or maximum hours. And I got to think of what it's missing....and the only real response was : butterflies in my stomach.

It's weird how it happens that whatever we have, no matter how much we earn, or what promotion we've got, having true friends, maybe even having money, a good business, good health, good chocolate in our drawer ... it's just not enough.

It's like having a good soup....with all the ingredients needed (vegetables, meat, cream, and so on)  ... except that ... it is still not good enough...it's ok....we can live with it....but we will not crave for it...something is missing. I am thinking of 2 things: spices and bread . Cause it gives flavor and it accompanies your soup in such a way that you not only survive with it, but it's actually pleasant and   nourishing.
Enough about food ....cause it makes us hungry, right ?! (don't go for the chocolate ! )

But well...ya....I have a great life...but I miss some pepper ! Also...I wish I could share everything that I think and everything that happens to me with someone . Someone that it's there for me and will love me no matter what. I have my friends, sure, but they have their own life and their own "love" (bfriend/gfriend). That somebody is happy to see you and talk to you no matter the hour, no matter how busy, no matter the mood.

And we also want to feel loved...everyday ... that at home, somebody is waiting with a small surprise (like a soup cooked with love), and will keep us in their arms just like that, and will accept to hear all our bullshits that not even we, personally, want to hear.

This idea is too far  and to hard to obtain ?! Well....I would be ok just with a few butterflies then...nothing fancy. If we don't have oregano or basil  and not even pepper....I am ok just with some salt.
So if we do not have a real relationship, we still feel the need to have a "story" or just to have a "focus" on somebody, just to keep things interesting. Just to like somebody and to see how things go from day to day... is he/she going to call or not ? Should I text him/her or not ?!  Much more interesting .

Conclusion: "Waiter..... some pepper please !!! "

Giving up on "drugs"

How hard it is to give up on our "drugs" ...

We know they are bad, we know that we need to give up and stay away from them....but somehow...in the moment that we nearly succeeded to get them out of our system....we miss them. 

So yes, I wish I could give up smoking, but well, it makes me feel so good when I light up a cigarette and I relax and clear my mind while I am smoking. 

And I do want to give up on my toxic relationships, but again, it feels so exiting to taste that madness and  passion that was there and probably still is just by saying a simple "Hi".

I wish I wouldn't open my fridge and take a new slice of cheese at 10 in the evening, but my body feels so good eating it and enjoying that bite.

Small and big sins that feel so good in the moment we taste them and in a few hours they seam such a big mistake.

In life, we have some drugs that no matter how much we try to replace with healthier habits, they seem to be irreplaceable.